"I've got some imperfections, but how can you collect them all and throw them in my face?"
How do you earn back trust after you've hurt someone so much they take every word you say like a grain of salt?
How can I have a best friend who no matter how badly I lie to her and hurt her, still stand by my side and let me know just how much I fucked up this time?
When does it stop? When do I stop craving this attention? When do I STOP trying to tear down everyone around me and just learn to live?
I'm so tired of living this way, and I WANT to be better, I WANT to fix it, I just don't know how to stop, I'm so afraid that I'm just a lost cause, and that scares the shit out of me...
So now, I have a whole week alone in Texas to think about this, my aunt and uncle are out of town going to Acapulco (lucky people), so I have a big empty house to dwell on all this shit going on.
Oh well, maybe some time away from everybody will do me some good.
Love?
About Me
- Cay Belle
- *I'm 20. *I go to CCCCD. *Proud Godmother. *Love my big family. *Most amazing friends ever.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
That's what you get...
So it's been a while since I updated. Well, I got dumped. Yeahhh, David broke up with me about 2 weekends ago so yeah...and it was for a dumbass reason, because we didn't "understand each other". Wtf? But whatever, that's over and done with.
Thanksgiving was good. It was extremely weird being here for Thanksgiving instead of at home. But I made do with it. I went to my first club in Dallas on Thanksgiving night with Melissa and Victoria. It was sooo much fun! The club is called Purgatory and there's three levels of dance floors, Heaven, Purgatory and Hell. It was a lot of fun!
Went shopping on Black Friday for a little bit, had to work and then went back out shopping that night.
I'm working at a daycare now called TLC. I love that job so much. I'm one of the two-year-old teachers. I get the kids that are either about to be 2 or just turned 2. I work from 12:30-6:30 everyday and I absolutely adore my job. I'm really looking into Early Childhood Education now that I've been making my own lesson plans and teaching the kids everyday. =) It's such a rewarding job!
As far as school goes, I gave my first presentation today for Finals. I did my history project on A Chorus Line so it was awesome. I made a stage complete with a cake as my stage and the background was mirrors and some curtains. It was pretty great if I do say so myself.
Christmas plans are a little weird. Daddy is flying to be with us from December 22-25th and then he and I are flying back to Atlanta on the 25th so I'll be home from the 25th to the 30th =)
Well that's about it. I love you guys <3
Thanksgiving was good. It was extremely weird being here for Thanksgiving instead of at home. But I made do with it. I went to my first club in Dallas on Thanksgiving night with Melissa and Victoria. It was sooo much fun! The club is called Purgatory and there's three levels of dance floors, Heaven, Purgatory and Hell. It was a lot of fun!
Went shopping on Black Friday for a little bit, had to work and then went back out shopping that night.
I'm working at a daycare now called TLC. I love that job so much. I'm one of the two-year-old teachers. I get the kids that are either about to be 2 or just turned 2. I work from 12:30-6:30 everyday and I absolutely adore my job. I'm really looking into Early Childhood Education now that I've been making my own lesson plans and teaching the kids everyday. =) It's such a rewarding job!
As far as school goes, I gave my first presentation today for Finals. I did my history project on A Chorus Line so it was awesome. I made a stage complete with a cake as my stage and the background was mirrors and some curtains. It was pretty great if I do say so myself.
Christmas plans are a little weird. Daddy is flying to be with us from December 22-25th and then he and I are flying back to Atlanta on the 25th so I'll be home from the 25th to the 30th =)
Well that's about it. I love you guys <3
Monday, November 17, 2008
Since You Been Gone...
FIRST: Can I just say, thank God? Ken took a plea deal today so that means no court, no trial, no testimonies, it's all over. And I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder.
Thursday night, I made my drive to Georgia. After 13 and 1/2 hours in the car I finally arrived in Macon. Honestly, I don't miss Macon. I missed my family and friends and I got my fill of that while I was there. Even though I missed seeing Tiffany and Makayla this trip, I know that I will get to spend a ton of time with them at Christmas. I returned home yesterday feeling like this was really where I belonged and that's a huge thing for me.
There is so much going on in my life right now. My two best friends from Macon are currently in the marriage planning stage of their lives. Tiffany's getting married next year and Morgan and Amanda in future years. I'm so very excited for both of them and so grateful to have such amazing friends. And it is a huge honor to be a part of both of their weddings.
So, I screwed up pretty bad my first semester of college, I had to drop a class already and I'll be lucky to scrape out some C's this semester. But you know, I'm not really that worried about it, I found out what college is really all about and I'm trying to get my life stable and I know that next semester will be so much better.
I completely love my family and friends. Oh and my boyfriend's pretty amazing =)
Thursday night, I made my drive to Georgia. After 13 and 1/2 hours in the car I finally arrived in Macon. Honestly, I don't miss Macon. I missed my family and friends and I got my fill of that while I was there. Even though I missed seeing Tiffany and Makayla this trip, I know that I will get to spend a ton of time with them at Christmas. I returned home yesterday feeling like this was really where I belonged and that's a huge thing for me.
There is so much going on in my life right now. My two best friends from Macon are currently in the marriage planning stage of their lives. Tiffany's getting married next year and Morgan and Amanda in future years. I'm so very excited for both of them and so grateful to have such amazing friends. And it is a huge honor to be a part of both of their weddings.
So, I screwed up pretty bad my first semester of college, I had to drop a class already and I'll be lucky to scrape out some C's this semester. But you know, I'm not really that worried about it, I found out what college is really all about and I'm trying to get my life stable and I know that next semester will be so much better.
I completely love my family and friends. Oh and my boyfriend's pretty amazing =)
Friday, November 7, 2008
Gunpowder & Lead
So I'm heading out on my first BIG road trip. Alone. Yeahhh
Going to Lubbock, TX for the weekend to visit my boyfriend/go see the Texas Tech v. OSU game =)
I'm about to set out on my 6 hour drive into nothingness so I thought I'd write a short blog first.
Everybody has told me this drive is going to be extremely boring, and seeing as I'll have no one to talk to but myself, I might be a little crazy when I get there hahaha
Well I hope you all have an awesome weekend! I know I will =)
Love you!
Going to Lubbock, TX for the weekend to visit my boyfriend/go see the Texas Tech v. OSU game =)
I'm about to set out on my 6 hour drive into nothingness so I thought I'd write a short blog first.
Everybody has told me this drive is going to be extremely boring, and seeing as I'll have no one to talk to but myself, I might be a little crazy when I get there hahaha
Well I hope you all have an awesome weekend! I know I will =)
Love you!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Baby why you calling me so late?
So I realize that I don't update on here nearly enough. Sorry!!! I just get busy haha
Finished up my first college production. It went really well. Now I'm even more confused about what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I'm really suffering right now because I'm not taking music. It's been such a huge part of my life for like...ever and now I'm not doing it in college and it sucks. No I don't want to major in it but I miss choir and all that kind of structured learning of music. I miss performing and having big shows to be nervous about and outfits to decide on and song choices. I don't know...
So David (the boyfriend) is not doing so hot at his school. He's really sick of the people that he's living with and he hates classes sooo he's moving home next semester =) YAYYY! I'm so glad lol But before he moves home I'm going to visit him in Lubbock next weekend! I get to go to my FIRST college football game;; which if you know me, is a HUGE deal I loveeeee football! And it's going to be a huge game too its Texas Tech vs. OSU and each team is ranked in the top 10 so yeah!
I've been really upset lately, I'm not making enough money at my job, and I'm trying to find another one but the thing is, I don't want to quit my nanny job. The hard thing about working as a nanny is that you get SUPER attached to the kids that you work with. The girls would be fine if I left, but Will can't do his homework without the ways that I taught him. He's dyslexic and has lots of trouble reading and the only way that he comprehends what he has for homework is if someone sits down and reads with him and then teaches him his spelling words in a fun way so that he doesn't confuse the letters. And I'm afraid that if I quit, nobody will sit down and do that with him every night. He was a terrible student when I first started work with him, but now he brings home A's on every spelling test and I love that. And Abbi, she's a choir kid so when it came time to memorize the states and capitals well shit we made up a whole song and dance routine! Haha. Idk, I just hate that I might have to leave them because of the sake of money. It's not that I'm not being paid well..it's just that I'm not there every day because they are with their dad half the time.
Anyways, I'm also super excited about coming home for Christmas. I'll be home with bells on ;) Haha I miss Morgan. A lot. It's hard to be as close as we are and NOT see each other but you know, I'm surprised at how well everything is going. I don't feel like I've missed out on anything, sure I would have loved to have BEEN there but you know, she keeps me updated on like everything and that's the most that I could ask for =) I miss my family, all of them, Mama Liz, Conner, Spencer, Craig, Jesse and my Daddy. I miss my choir family even though I talk to Kaitlyn all the time lol I miss Trey, but lord knows I won't see him anytime soon!! He's a big traveler now haha And mostly, I just miss the comfort of always knowing that you have somewhere to go or people to turn to.
Yes, I have friends here, some really close ones actually, but I haven't known them that long and honestly, it scares me to open up to people here. Not a single person that I'm friends with now (with the exception of David) knows much about me. They know I'm from Georgia, they know about my best friends and family...but that's pretty much it. I don't share here. I'm just afraid to ya know? Not for the reason that I think they won't like me afterward, it's just that, it's my past and I kind of want to keep it that way...
Alright this is long, I'm going to go, hopefully I'll get better at this and post more often lol
<3
Finished up my first college production. It went really well. Now I'm even more confused about what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I'm really suffering right now because I'm not taking music. It's been such a huge part of my life for like...ever and now I'm not doing it in college and it sucks. No I don't want to major in it but I miss choir and all that kind of structured learning of music. I miss performing and having big shows to be nervous about and outfits to decide on and song choices. I don't know...
So David (the boyfriend) is not doing so hot at his school. He's really sick of the people that he's living with and he hates classes sooo he's moving home next semester =) YAYYY! I'm so glad lol But before he moves home I'm going to visit him in Lubbock next weekend! I get to go to my FIRST college football game;; which if you know me, is a HUGE deal I loveeeee football! And it's going to be a huge game too its Texas Tech vs. OSU and each team is ranked in the top 10 so yeah!
I've been really upset lately, I'm not making enough money at my job, and I'm trying to find another one but the thing is, I don't want to quit my nanny job. The hard thing about working as a nanny is that you get SUPER attached to the kids that you work with. The girls would be fine if I left, but Will can't do his homework without the ways that I taught him. He's dyslexic and has lots of trouble reading and the only way that he comprehends what he has for homework is if someone sits down and reads with him and then teaches him his spelling words in a fun way so that he doesn't confuse the letters. And I'm afraid that if I quit, nobody will sit down and do that with him every night. He was a terrible student when I first started work with him, but now he brings home A's on every spelling test and I love that. And Abbi, she's a choir kid so when it came time to memorize the states and capitals well shit we made up a whole song and dance routine! Haha. Idk, I just hate that I might have to leave them because of the sake of money. It's not that I'm not being paid well..it's just that I'm not there every day because they are with their dad half the time.
Anyways, I'm also super excited about coming home for Christmas. I'll be home with bells on ;) Haha I miss Morgan. A lot. It's hard to be as close as we are and NOT see each other but you know, I'm surprised at how well everything is going. I don't feel like I've missed out on anything, sure I would have loved to have BEEN there but you know, she keeps me updated on like everything and that's the most that I could ask for =) I miss my family, all of them, Mama Liz, Conner, Spencer, Craig, Jesse and my Daddy. I miss my choir family even though I talk to Kaitlyn all the time lol I miss Trey, but lord knows I won't see him anytime soon!! He's a big traveler now haha And mostly, I just miss the comfort of always knowing that you have somewhere to go or people to turn to.
Yes, I have friends here, some really close ones actually, but I haven't known them that long and honestly, it scares me to open up to people here. Not a single person that I'm friends with now (with the exception of David) knows much about me. They know I'm from Georgia, they know about my best friends and family...but that's pretty much it. I don't share here. I'm just afraid to ya know? Not for the reason that I think they won't like me afterward, it's just that, it's my past and I kind of want to keep it that way...
Alright this is long, I'm going to go, hopefully I'll get better at this and post more often lol
<3
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Big Love: The Time Sucker
If you've been wondering why I haven't had time to post, it's because of the above picture. That is a photo of the play that I am currently doing hair and makeup for. Yes, I'm a theatre geek now =) So basically my schedule is school, work, then back to the school for theatre til God knows what hour at night. I applaud ANYONE who has ever been in a part of a theatre production, it's hard work. Opening night is tomorrow night, so I'm hoping all of this hard work pays off. But I'm doing what I love (hair and makeup) so I'm happy either way!
On another note: remember David I told you about previously? Well he did something I would have never expected, he called my sister to ask her about advice on how to get me back, and honestly, that took some work on his part, so I took him back and he's working on his whole being an ass thing lol This is a picture of he and I from Saturday...he came from Lubbock to visit for the weekend. It really sucks that he lives six hours away, but oh well he comes home a lot =)
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Boys, sometimes a girl just needs one...
So I agree with Britney on this, buttt what happens when you have WAY too many to handle at one time? I really liked this guy David, he took me to an amazing concert on our first date and all this kind of stuff, told me I was beautiful blah blah blah, basically he went back to school (which is 6 hours away) and decided he didn't have time to talk to me every day so he was like this just won't work. Okay. Fine. I'm not desperate, I can find someone else. So I do, his name's Brandon, and honestly, he treats me like a princess. His friends love me, and I've got about 3 new "girl" friends and then a few more guy friends out of this. Well as soon as David hears that I've moved on, he wants me back. And he's really pissing me off. He didn't want me when he could have me...its just now that I'm not available that he wants me. Damn I HATE boys...urgh...
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with No Air...
College life is really weird for me. I realize as I’m sitting here between classes how little most people care about this experience. College is a completely different world for me. I actually care about coming to school (yeah, me) and that’s a huge step. Most of the people who go to school here could give two shits less about it. They are all here mostly to get their associates and be done with it. I don’t know. There is a point to this but I’m just struggling to find it lol I don’t KNOW what I want to do with the rest of my life. And that scares me to death. Every time I try to picture my future I can’t….its a very scary feeling. It makes me feel like I should die soon so I don’t have to decide haha But I’m not suicidal so don’t start that shit. But I don’t know. There are many things I’d like to do in life but I change my mind a lot so I feel like I won’t ever “settle”. I don’t like being places long-term. Its just a thing with me.
Also, I’m very concerned about the fact that since I’ve started college, well lets face it, I’ve turned into kind of a slut. It’s pretty weird, I wasn’t like this at all in Georgia and now its like wowwww. Yeah, it’s a big change. But I don’t know, I like the feeling of being wanted. It really is hard to choose between guys though. And I only have like one friend that’s a girl. Elise. And she likes to talk about her boyfriend a lot, and how perfect they are and that’s great, I just can’t relate to that at all.
My best friend’s engaged now. I’m very very happy for her. Even if it is to a girl, she’s found someone she feels she truly loves and that’s all that I could ask for. I want her to be happy. She deserves to be happy. I’m excited to be part of the planning process even if they are waiting a couple of years. It means a lot that my sister would trust me enough to confide in me with this stuff. She really is the best. That’s my problem with finding friends that are girls here, none of them really relate to me like Morgan does. I mean, I feel like as far as girls, sisters, that kind of thing goes, I’m covered lol I guess that’s why I only hang out with guys here. I don’t know, there are sometimes when I really want to just go over and see Morgan and I’m like wow, I don’t live in Georgia anymore…. But I wouldn’t change this move for anything. I’m very happy where I am…despite all my gripes and complaints haha
Also, a certain best friend of mine decided to post some inappropriate pictures. The thing is, I’m so proud of her for expressing her sexuality, but that’s a private matter girlfriend, don’t share your goodies with everybody in the internet world!
Sorry this was VERY ADD!! I’m waiting on math class and that does weird things to my head lol
Also, I’m very concerned about the fact that since I’ve started college, well lets face it, I’ve turned into kind of a slut. It’s pretty weird, I wasn’t like this at all in Georgia and now its like wowwww. Yeah, it’s a big change. But I don’t know, I like the feeling of being wanted. It really is hard to choose between guys though. And I only have like one friend that’s a girl. Elise. And she likes to talk about her boyfriend a lot, and how perfect they are and that’s great, I just can’t relate to that at all.
My best friend’s engaged now. I’m very very happy for her. Even if it is to a girl, she’s found someone she feels she truly loves and that’s all that I could ask for. I want her to be happy. She deserves to be happy. I’m excited to be part of the planning process even if they are waiting a couple of years. It means a lot that my sister would trust me enough to confide in me with this stuff. She really is the best. That’s my problem with finding friends that are girls here, none of them really relate to me like Morgan does. I mean, I feel like as far as girls, sisters, that kind of thing goes, I’m covered lol I guess that’s why I only hang out with guys here. I don’t know, there are sometimes when I really want to just go over and see Morgan and I’m like wow, I don’t live in Georgia anymore…. But I wouldn’t change this move for anything. I’m very happy where I am…despite all my gripes and complaints haha
Also, a certain best friend of mine decided to post some inappropriate pictures. The thing is, I’m so proud of her for expressing her sexuality, but that’s a private matter girlfriend, don’t share your goodies with everybody in the internet world!
Sorry this was VERY ADD!! I’m waiting on math class and that does weird things to my head lol
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Texas...
Hello Beautiful People!!
How the hell is everyone? I'm doing pretty fabulous myself :)
School is in its 3rd week and I'm surviving so far! I have History and English on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays; then I have Math and Makeup on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
I work a weird schedule but I'm working as a Nanny for 3 great kids- Alex is 12, Abbi is 10 and Will is 8. Basically, I pick them up from school and we all do homework together and goof off! It's great lol
I've made a few friends here so far. I already knew Elise when I got here and we signed up and have a class together so that's good. I'm really good friends with all my classmates from Makeup, they're just like me lol So we all get along super well. And I've been on a couple of different dates since I've been here. One guy took me to see Maroon 5 and Counting Crows in concert....talk about a first date wow. lol
You know, I don't really miss much about Macon. I miss my family (Mommy Liz, Morgan, Conner, Spencer, Craig) and my Daddy. I also miss my friends. But I've kept in touch with everybody so far so it's not really that different, I just have moments when I'm like wow, I wish so and so was here. I REALLY miss Show Choir and Trey....you never realize how good of a thing you had until its over and done with. I miss going to class and working hard toward something, I miss dancing and singing all the time, I miss actually being a part of a team. But I mean I guess that's what happens when you grow up....
That's all for now. I've got a serious rant blog coming up tomorrow. Be prepared ;)
You know you love me <3
How the hell is everyone? I'm doing pretty fabulous myself :)
School is in its 3rd week and I'm surviving so far! I have History and English on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays; then I have Math and Makeup on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
I work a weird schedule but I'm working as a Nanny for 3 great kids- Alex is 12, Abbi is 10 and Will is 8. Basically, I pick them up from school and we all do homework together and goof off! It's great lol
I've made a few friends here so far. I already knew Elise when I got here and we signed up and have a class together so that's good. I'm really good friends with all my classmates from Makeup, they're just like me lol So we all get along super well. And I've been on a couple of different dates since I've been here. One guy took me to see Maroon 5 and Counting Crows in concert....talk about a first date wow. lol
You know, I don't really miss much about Macon. I miss my family (Mommy Liz, Morgan, Conner, Spencer, Craig) and my Daddy. I also miss my friends. But I've kept in touch with everybody so far so it's not really that different, I just have moments when I'm like wow, I wish so and so was here. I REALLY miss Show Choir and Trey....you never realize how good of a thing you had until its over and done with. I miss going to class and working hard toward something, I miss dancing and singing all the time, I miss actually being a part of a team. But I mean I guess that's what happens when you grow up....
That's all for now. I've got a serious rant blog coming up tomorrow. Be prepared ;)
You know you love me <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
